No interruptions.

I used a subject prompter to generate a subject for me and I got "Write about a time you felt betrayed". How odd and universal this felt as this was the subject most on my mind but in many different facets.

I have gone through a bit of a writer's block for a while now and I realised in the last 24 hours that it was because of pressure.

I know the other little details like I'm young and just starting out, wet-behind-the-ears and basically just blundering around trying to grasp all that is in front of me.

My life story is one that has probably been heard before but doesn't make it any less painful or any less lived in.

I come from a family where everyone simply expected I would go a certain way, follow a certain path, and like the same things they all do. For a while I thought so too but as I grew I began to be different, I began to want different things and become bewitched by things they didn't.

I was thought of as "arty", a little quiet and "Jess , you're so weird".

But I thought I was none of those things, arty, maybe a little I guess, but quiet, no. When I spoke my mind and got excited about things I was weird.

When I put on foreign accents and mimed a scene from an imaginary plot, I was weird.

I thought I was creative and was simply expressing what many may think of on a day-to-day basis but never phsically articulate, in fear of being looked at as "weird".

What is weird? The dictionary defines it as suggesting something supernatural; unearthly"  - but is being weird or unearthly about mimicking or demonstrating human nature and things we think of constantly.

I  think that is the most natural thing that could be thunk, could be shown, should be shown. If people showed more of themselves, understanding could happen so much more rapidly.

I'm not weird, I'm different to what you are, and you are different to what I am – and that should be celebrated because that is exciting.

How wonderful to have something different to share with someone else and become enriched by it.

How brilliant to not always simply think a certain way because that is how society thinks you should think.

My problem with my upbringing is that I always felt I should explain myself. I always felt I needed to explain why and how.  My dad and I have a bond which often makes me think like I am looking at myself. Yesterday I had the same conversation with him that I had with my mom yet with my mom it took over 10 minutes to understand but with him it was over within 3 sentances. And I knew he understood me completely and understood my actions and without asking knew that I had done all the things he would have done and said and asked. He trusted me. 

He has never called me weird. He has never looked at me with a glazed over "huh" juxtaposition.

Make no mistake, he is not the same as me. He is in the career the rest of my family is, and is indeed at the head of it but he always stopped to try understand me and try see me.

I guess thats where I feel betrayal comes in – and betrayal is such a harsh word but it can be relevant in certain strains.

One can feel 'betrayed' when people look at them differently despite spending time with them. One can feel 'betrayed' when your nearest and dearest question your intellect and do not give you their trust.

But mostly one feels betrayed when someone makes life decisions for you despite having known you your whole life.

Making life decisions on your behalf can be beneficial to your life and it important as a parent but telling you to give up on your dream and find another life journey to make more money is not.

How can that be okay. How can that be out of love and understanding and really 'seeing' the other person.

Love is such a tricky subject as it is so relentless in it's grip many don't realise it is happening in certain key points in your life when you feel like all hope is lost or you have tripped over the rock that is your life, your know how and what you perceive as the walk you are currently taking.

It's so confusing to suddenly stop, turn around and think "is this really what I am doing?" What happened there? And why didn't I realise I lost that sense of power before? 

So that's what I'm doing today. Taking a second to breathe. Taking a second to be myself and not distract myself with activities. I feel I do that too much. I need to just be me for a couple hours. Not have anyone around. Write with the door open so I can hear the trees.

How silly to not indulge in the one secret power that is writing. That makes you feel happy, and nourished, and begin to start to like yourself again.

Sure you think "well I should like myself because I am in charge of the way I am and the maintenance of my uniqueness" but do I really give myself the chance to truly just be me.

Just sit and enjoy being by myself. To get lost in the thoughts that have simply been bursting at the seams this whole time.

I feel like I am back in highschool where I used to sit up in the middle of the night and just write stuff because it seemed like it was just bursting out of me. It had to come out and I was proud when it did.

What a glorious, peaceful feeling.

I guess my block came from thinking what I had to say was just juvenile and not at the standard at everyone else in my office. 

I'm so in awe of the people and love to just listen indulgently to their conversations of language.

I often think, why would anyone want to work anywhere else? We talk about everything, we write about everything, we remain open-minded to all sides of stories and if at times we do not we are reminded of that fact. While not everyone may believe in certain things, it doesn't mean that side shouldn't be given a little bit of shine and I love that. My soul is nourished.

Betrayal can come from such an unintended place and I have, in recent years, started to understand that.

We are who we are and you should never want to change that but you should however listen. And see the other person, really see them, for who they are trying to not be, but are.

We are all beautiful creatures and unfortunately sometimes of habit.

Flow

Even
After
All this time
The Sun never says
"You owe me"
Look
What happens
With a love like that. 
It lights the
Whole
Sky

Do good things and good things will come to you
How vague and commonplace this seemed to me. 
However moving away from home, for the third time (but for real this time) I feel I have more of an idea how prevailing and relevant this line is. 

The thoughts that may storm your mind about something you really want will never get you everything you want so stop letting them consume and lap at your happiness. 

It's all about the flow in life. The giving but never expecting something in return as when one does truely give selflessly there is a feeling of such affinity which cannot be replaced by anything physical. 

Life is messy, life is complete by being incomplete. Make no mistake, your life is not meant to be perfect, its meant to be whole and by being whole one needs to surrender to the flow that life will take you on if you just surrender. 

Surrender your soul, your thoughts, your angst. Let it float and melt.
Hearts weren't meant to constantly be broken but sometimes its good to just let your heart break just a little. 

It won't be the end of the world. 

Life of an intern

So today is my last day as an intern at Glamour for the year. It has been the most humbling, tiring, confusing but gratifying time. I'm glad I started early with the whole process of interning instead of jetting off to Thailand or sitting on the beach like many of my friends have done. Not that i'm sniping any of them, we all have different paths we wish to go down and they are still discovering theirs but I think I would of been straight out panicking if I started next year. Its also great because many staff  go  on leave so I got a chance to do alot more.

My first day was one of absolute awkwardness. My hair was on its 'i'm greasy but not greasy' days and I had NO idea what to wear for a fashion internship that would be right. Nevertheless as the days went by and as per advice from the intern who was interning from London who said "Jess, F#@$ it, wear what you want to wear, don't worry about what the seniors will think of it because honestly they not even looking at you." Which was great advice and I slowly became more at ease in the working environment because I felt comfortable and confident and more like me and not a show pony.

I helped out on two shoots but honestly, most of what I did involved helping to "source" clothing, keep track of what the model wore and then like Cinderella, when the clock struck midnight return it all again to the designers who had lent them to us. It was a flurry of activity and envy at the beautiful clothes we got to borrow for anything from 3 days to a couple hours. We sourced lingerie from a brassier store called "Inner Beauty" which had lingerie you only see in movies and 'that one Twilight movie'. It was fabulous and so beautiful.The shoot took place in a private home in Hout Bay which regretfully I only really saw one shot taken as I was running around finding the perfect red beach towel and pillows and doing returns all over the hillside at the same time. Nevertheless I really enjoyed it and its not something i would have had the opportunity to participate in, in any other situation.

The last 2 days I have been working on editorial as the shoots are now finished for the year and the returns have all (almost) been returned. I am ecstatic because editorial is my main love and something I am so passionate about simply learning the daily runnings of. Yesterday I got to do 'the wall' which is pasting all the pages of the magazine of a wall using sliders and arranging it in order. It may seem miniscule but it was strangely satisfying and I felt a great sense of accomplishment.

South Africa: Durban (Part 1)

My latest travel trip is to the sunny and humid coast of Durban. I hadn't been back to Durban in what has been about two years. What struck me right off the bat was how different it was from the bustling, fast moving world that I had just left in Johannesburg. People M-O-V-E to where they need to be. It got me  thinking about why I didnt notice this befrore and what had I had been thinking about two years ago when  on that same road.The conclusion was not a great deal; boyfriend,wondering what my hotel room looked like and if my best friend had already checked in. Seems a little trivial seeing as I was driving through what resembled a tropical forest highway but was nevertheless the M4 (or something, I'm not really good with remembering road names - still). 

This morning, whilst waiting for our American vet to get his McD's breakfast, I went to the cafe section and ordered a strawberry juice. It went like this, "Hello, how are you, can I please have a strawberry Sir Juice". She's looking at me but taking it all in, its almost like we're about to start a conversation. "Take away or sit down?", "I'm sorry what?" "Take away or sit down?" "Its just juice and it comes in a plastic bottle?" "Ooooh strawberry juice???". I looked down there was nothing else resembling a strawberry, "errr yeah". I don't know why this struck me perhaps because in Durban service seems like a slow process where one patiently waits, oops I forgot, yeah bra, awe, no worries, when your ready. I'm so used to the pace of Joburg, where everything is instant, understood and moved on to the next customer. Cape Town is almost the same however they are most likely to also compliment you on what you are wearing and say "shame do you have a busy day ahead?" and I am not mocking them, I absolutely love that Cape Tonians care. It makes for a change. Let it be known, I am not a snoot in any shape or form, it just struck with such velocity how different Durban is and I thought I would try mould it into something of a discussed analysis.

Now, my main point of observation, the roads in Durban. Hades on a stick, what is going on there? My dad was driving me back from the airport and our house that we are renting is near a harbour and amongst dock houses and equipment yards, what ever you want to call them. We were travelling down a main road when all of a sudden, whoops! It makes a 90 degree turn yet you are still on Mahatma Gandi or Doctor Xuma street if you like, however it has completely curved to the left, and people just understand this? Baffled my brain. Joburg is a series of straight lines with a couple of gentle bends but never anything of this proportion. I assume its because of the coast line but sweet Mary, how does anyone ever REMEMBER where they going. I have visited 2 malls whilst I've been here and I can honestly say I have no idea how I would get back to them. The highways are not the problem. ONCE you are on them it is plain sailing, but to get there one has to navigate a series of turns that one would attempt in disarming a boobie trap. Not the easiest. 

THAT was 2 weeks ago. I am now back in the fast pace of 'JOZI' which wasn't such a hot pace this morning as there were 2 accidents on my route to university (of course). I do notice the slight intricacies of change but something else also caught my mind in Joburg and I guess it is just a mash up of what you prefer. Joburg seems to be alot less friendly and people have no time to wait for an answer. If you are dwaddling in the traffic que you will be hooted at, flicked at and over taken. This sounds like a negative observation but it is not. That is the Catch 22 I think that comes when choosing where to live in our beautiful country. For a city to work and create momentum I think this will always be the case. People are deadline driven, stressed to their wits and when it is all over and they can breathe again, they go on holiday to places like Durban, Cape Town, Transkei, The Garden Route, etc. We used to live in Cape Town, I lived there for the first 10 years of my life, but my dad had to make the move to Johannesburg as the job opportunities were simply far greater and  lucrative in Joburg. Some 13 years later and I still miss my hometown. I miss the ease of the people and the care. Things still happen in Cape Town and rapidness is evident yet the people seem to be able to enjoy themselves that much more. They know how. Not to forget they have access to alot more natural attractions such as Kirstenbosch Gardens, The 'nice to look at but not dare go in Atlantic Ocean', the vineyards,  my friends in CT on a Sunday, like to climb up Table Mountain. Oh, yeah, I'm just going to gander up one of the worlds 7 wonders, chill out and look at the ocean. Lucky sods.

Life's little gifts

I think people try so hard to maintain inner balance, spending thousands on things to "calm them down" or "make them happy". Life, for some seems to be a constant balancing act between striving for what is deemed  sensible or essential in ones life such as wealth and "just being me". And sure, it helps, it may even help alot to recieve a healthy paycheck, but if we can't look for the little things in life that make us happy, if we can't MAKE ourselves physically happy by simply being ourselves, is the other option really that great? Society has told you that money, a job, climbing the corporate ladder is the right thing to do and of course in many ways it is, but that shouldn't be the milestone in one's life where they decide they can now start being happy.

I smile at the newspaper lady at the robot every time I see her, she waves back, I wave back and no amount of remuneration, toys or items bought could make me feel as happy as she makes me feel in that brief second. A simple exchange, and the joy lasts all day. Because it is innocent and selfless and in the fast pace world and town of Johannesburg, a stranger smiling back at you is not a scene seen regularly (or at least apart from if a street vendor wants to sell you something and continuously points at your front tyre - so annoying).

I took some photos of the sky yesterday evening. I was walking to my flat on our property and as I rounded the corner the sky caught my eye, especially since it was offset against our black tile roof. Wonderful pinks, purples and blue. The clouds were making the most complex shapes and in one cloud the sun was caught inside, a beam of light escaping from its middle and it looked just so beautiful. - I was initially on my way to my room to go study and I did make it there but not to get my textbooks, but rather my Nikon.

I sat on the roof of my car and just took photos of the sky, it filled me with such a sense of peace and excitedness somehow that  I was taking pictures of something so beautifully simple and some thing that is ironically always right there. - I don't want to sound hippy and peace love, but that's how I felt. I think its a good thing to find happiness in the mundane. When you are going through hard times, work runs late, stress, lots of tests and assignments to hand in and study for, it's comforting to know that anything   can make you happy - if you let it, all the robots were green, your boss said he's happy you made the call, working hard and going to sleep early with a smile on your face. That's what "it's" all about, <3

Music Religion

Can the question really be answered "what is music?". In some ways I think yes. There is the Oxford definition being that music is vocal or instrumental sounds (or both) combined in such a way as to produce beauty of form, harmony and expression of emotion. But is music, constrained to and fixed up to just one point of definition?

I enjoy the one derivative meaning "A sound perceived as pleasingly harmonious". Yes, that for me is music. Music is in what we feel, think, see, imagine, and wonder. Music can be silence, it can be a deafening roar, or it can be the monotonous sound produced by a single action.

"One good thing about music, is when it hits, you feel no pain" said Bob Marley. It's true. Have you ever had one of those crummy days and heard a song that just surpassed any inadequacies you could have previously felt? Music is so infused in all that we do, we often don't even notice it. 

One of the major ways music affects me, is that, and I’m sure it’s the same for a lot of people, I always seem to have a song in head whether I like it or not. Sometimes though, it comes at the worst of times, i.e. while writing an exam or test. I actually make a point of not listening to any music before a big exam as I just know I will have that song in and around my brain quicker than you could say Jack Flash and cannot seem to shake it. I suppose you could say music is intoxicating, but at the same , cant it also be mellow and pleasant and light and airy?

Aldous Huxley said "After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible, is music". Music has words,and doesn't. It is muted or screaming and can be both. I think that's why so many people are joined by music, because it isn't a word, it isn't an interest, it is who you are within yourself. The self that no sees, when the music stops. 

Music in Cartoons

In the days when cartoons were still cartoons ie: Tom and Jerry, Popeye and Bugs Bunny, music and more specifically classical music, was a big part of the whole production. It relates back to my previous blog about how music is sometimes all that is necessary when interpretation is needed. 

Tom and Jerry have long since sufficed the ages and all this nonsense where cartoons become like Soapies and simply re-enact everything. Quite frankly this is doing the medium an injustice. We want wonder, we want fantasy, we want the impossible re-enacted for our amusement. We, as kids, long enjoyed the silent but loud pictures of 'old school' cartoons and we laughed as well, in fact louder because we were made to find out the punchline ourselves. 

Even the intro for Looney Tunes is exciting and sets your eyes a little wider for what is to come. The intro is always the same for Looney Tunes albeit there are many different characters and story-lines.  What a  good marketing strategy that was for getting kids to hear the TV blaring in the living room, hear the catchy Looney Tunes jingle and make a run for the best seat nearest the Television Set (remember). 

The use of Classical Music in cartoons I believe provides the script -  with the script. There is so much variation and affects that can be played to heighten a scene or an act where Tom the cat is underway in his never ending quest to capture Jerry the mouse (did anyone ever see the end of that?). Why would you insert a whole dialogue and ruin 'le jeu dans instant' or denoument. Just looking at all the videos on Youtube takes me back to the excitement I felt whenever I watched one of the gems, and in fact I still feel excited, I'm excited!