No interruptions.

I used a subject prompter to generate a subject for me and I got "Write about a time you felt betrayed". How odd and universal this felt as this was the subject most on my mind but in many different facets.

I have gone through a bit of a writer's block for a while now and I realised in the last 24 hours that it was because of pressure.

I know the other little details like I'm young and just starting out, wet-behind-the-ears and basically just blundering around trying to grasp all that is in front of me.

My life story is one that has probably been heard before but doesn't make it any less painful or any less lived in.

I come from a family where everyone simply expected I would go a certain way, follow a certain path, and like the same things they all do. For a while I thought so too but as I grew I began to be different, I began to want different things and become bewitched by things they didn't.

I was thought of as "arty", a little quiet and "Jess , you're so weird".

But I thought I was none of those things, arty, maybe a little I guess, but quiet, no. When I spoke my mind and got excited about things I was weird.

When I put on foreign accents and mimed a scene from an imaginary plot, I was weird.

I thought I was creative and was simply expressing what many may think of on a day-to-day basis but never phsically articulate, in fear of being looked at as "weird".

What is weird? The dictionary defines it as suggesting something supernatural; unearthly"  - but is being weird or unearthly about mimicking or demonstrating human nature and things we think of constantly.

I  think that is the most natural thing that could be thunk, could be shown, should be shown. If people showed more of themselves, understanding could happen so much more rapidly.

I'm not weird, I'm different to what you are, and you are different to what I am – and that should be celebrated because that is exciting.

How wonderful to have something different to share with someone else and become enriched by it.

How brilliant to not always simply think a certain way because that is how society thinks you should think.

My problem with my upbringing is that I always felt I should explain myself. I always felt I needed to explain why and how.  My dad and I have a bond which often makes me think like I am looking at myself. Yesterday I had the same conversation with him that I had with my mom yet with my mom it took over 10 minutes to understand but with him it was over within 3 sentances. And I knew he understood me completely and understood my actions and without asking knew that I had done all the things he would have done and said and asked. He trusted me. 

He has never called me weird. He has never looked at me with a glazed over "huh" juxtaposition.

Make no mistake, he is not the same as me. He is in the career the rest of my family is, and is indeed at the head of it but he always stopped to try understand me and try see me.

I guess thats where I feel betrayal comes in – and betrayal is such a harsh word but it can be relevant in certain strains.

One can feel 'betrayed' when people look at them differently despite spending time with them. One can feel 'betrayed' when your nearest and dearest question your intellect and do not give you their trust.

But mostly one feels betrayed when someone makes life decisions for you despite having known you your whole life.

Making life decisions on your behalf can be beneficial to your life and it important as a parent but telling you to give up on your dream and find another life journey to make more money is not.

How can that be okay. How can that be out of love and understanding and really 'seeing' the other person.

Love is such a tricky subject as it is so relentless in it's grip many don't realise it is happening in certain key points in your life when you feel like all hope is lost or you have tripped over the rock that is your life, your know how and what you perceive as the walk you are currently taking.

It's so confusing to suddenly stop, turn around and think "is this really what I am doing?" What happened there? And why didn't I realise I lost that sense of power before? 

So that's what I'm doing today. Taking a second to breathe. Taking a second to be myself and not distract myself with activities. I feel I do that too much. I need to just be me for a couple hours. Not have anyone around. Write with the door open so I can hear the trees.

How silly to not indulge in the one secret power that is writing. That makes you feel happy, and nourished, and begin to start to like yourself again.

Sure you think "well I should like myself because I am in charge of the way I am and the maintenance of my uniqueness" but do I really give myself the chance to truly just be me.

Just sit and enjoy being by myself. To get lost in the thoughts that have simply been bursting at the seams this whole time.

I feel like I am back in highschool where I used to sit up in the middle of the night and just write stuff because it seemed like it was just bursting out of me. It had to come out and I was proud when it did.

What a glorious, peaceful feeling.

I guess my block came from thinking what I had to say was just juvenile and not at the standard at everyone else in my office. 

I'm so in awe of the people and love to just listen indulgently to their conversations of language.

I often think, why would anyone want to work anywhere else? We talk about everything, we write about everything, we remain open-minded to all sides of stories and if at times we do not we are reminded of that fact. While not everyone may believe in certain things, it doesn't mean that side shouldn't be given a little bit of shine and I love that. My soul is nourished.

Betrayal can come from such an unintended place and I have, in recent years, started to understand that.

We are who we are and you should never want to change that but you should however listen. And see the other person, really see them, for who they are trying to not be, but are.

We are all beautiful creatures and unfortunately sometimes of habit.